Thinkcorps

After reading a NYT story on Cargo and the new crop of men’s shopping magazines, I figured I’d take a gander at their web site. I’m not convinced Cargo is worth it, and apparently, all they could come up with that guys care about is Tech, Style, Cars and Culture. Why not “Couture” and round out the alliteration? You know you want to.

The thing that gets me about this – and maybe it’s just me – is that their mission is about getting you to buy more crap. I don’t need more crap. I have a garage full of shit I don’t use and haven’t gotten around to getting rid of, because well, acquisition is more fun (i admit that). But I just don’t have time to pick out moisturizers. I like to focus on essentially one product category at a time. I do my research, I get obsessive, then I make a bunch of purchases. Afterwards, I have my little recap session, usually over the phone with friends considering the same purchases. I dispell the myths and offer up some hard-won advice. See, it’s about purchasing smartly – gaming the system to at least get back to even footing.

You can’t do that with moisturizers. You buy ‘em, you slather them all over for a week or so, maybe they work, maybe they don’t, and then, if you’re like most every guy in America, you get bored and forget about it. I think most guys’ interest wanes after de-stinkification. There’s no way to beat the odds, to get a great deal, to win.

Since I like electronics, I perused Cargo’s little digicam overview. Summary: it sucked hard. But it is just preview copy, so you can’t really expect much. And that’s why it’s good fodder for sniping. So, without further ado, I present:

My translation of Cargo’s roundup of “The Best 5-Megapixel Digital Cameras.”

The Intro: 3-megapixel cameras are fine, if you don’t mind people thinking you have a small weiner.

#1 (HP Photosmart 935): It’s kinda shitty but it’s cheap, which sorta makes sense. It has a dock, because you’re too clumsy to plug in a cable (also why I own your ass at Street Hoops 2, bitch). Again, it sucks, but you’re a cheap bastard and your imaginary girlfriend knows it.

#2 (Minolta Dimage F300): This one can take pictures straight out of the box, ‘cause you’re a dingleberry and can’t be bothered with reading or charging batteries or even printing out the pictures – (take that all you poindexters). And since your ADD is getting worse, the camera can keep your subject in focus, even when you forget exactly why you’re standing in the bushes outside your neighbor’s house and your pants crotch is strangely cool and damp.

#3 (Sony Cybershot DSC-T1): This camera is so skinny, it’s like really skinny. Seriously, dude, it’s fucking skinny. No skinnier than that … skinnier … skinnier … little more … just … yeah … ehh … yeah, that’s it. See? Told you. It’s got a bitchin’ ass lens, just like the professionals use – ‘cept the pros’ lenses are about 5-6 times as wide, capture tons more light despite the impressive-sounding name, and project onto image sensors that aren’t the size of an eraser head. But it’s like the same, dude. Oh, and there’s no viewfinder.

#4 (Canon Powershot S50): This camera actually looks like a camera. What a dweeb! The pictures are pretty good tho, if you care about that. It does some shit, but who cares? Hey, you want another shooter?

#5 (Contax TVS): Finally, this camera is da bomb. Bling, baby! Why must you own this? One word, son. Titanium. It’s the ultimate jimmy cap for digital crap. It’s super strong and light. No, it’s not gonna protect anything if you drop it. Why? Well, that’s kinda complicated—it’s physics, dude. Inertia and shit. Seriously, don’t worry about it. It’s titanium, it’s bitchin’, that’s all you need to know. It makes your penis look bigger too. Don’t ask how, it just does.